I WISH TO BE A CURMUDGEON- From Worzel

It was with some trepidation, I happened to mention this to Beatrice- that I so wished to meet up with Godfrey’s sister Alice.

“Feh, Beatrice snuffed, she shows up or writes every year or two, here is a letter, her most recent one.

Dour Beatrice, “I wish to be a curmudgeon”, from Alice. Beatrice, as well you under stand, I am proudly the town scold of Skibbereen, I chat with the statues  down on the town green. Have surrendered my front teeth to the Museum  of Poly-dent, wear wooly hats in summer and bright colors that clash with abandon, for I wish to be a curmudgeon.

At the local Flower show, a posh and staid event, there was muttering over the bouquets of radishes I entered to be judged. “I wished to swoon and squeal when I won like Miss Wales, and cry as befits an old curmudgeon.

I refuse to shop, wear a sweatshirt from 1983.  I do not sew or knit or bake, I watch only rubbish on T.V.     As it is curmugeonly I keep many cats, I frighten children but in secret I am fond of the cheeky little brats.

“I wish to be known as a curmudgeon, thus left alone, do not ring me on the phone, I will claim to be a chap named Kevin, I will talk until you are blue, refuse to hang up, and ring back every evening past eleven.

When others put their trash bins on the curb I bring mine in, do not ask or knock on my door, for I am a curmudgeon.    I go to funerals for the food, disrupt films with loud slurping or a hearty guffaw, I oft cavort up the street without underthings or bra.

As wedding gifts I gave goldfish or an onion, for I wish the world to know I am a curmudgeon.

My goodness, said I after reading the letters first page.  Alice always was “different” Beatrice sighed, her pranks grew more frequent as she sped through middle age till legendary”.  Her writing style mirrored Godfrey”s making use of every inch of the flour bag she used as stationary, composed as it were over many days and captioned chapter style, yet backwards eight to one.  You may gather, wrote Alice, from my letter that I wish to be a curmudgeon.

You write of my brother, and I have to say you do, a fine job of his story, a fine job of keeping him always beside you.     I am being nice, so please if you can, do not share this fact with anyone, for I wish to be an old curmudgeon, From Alice.

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4 thoughts on “I WISH TO BE A CURMUDGEON- From Worzel

  1. The attitudes and actions of a curmudgeon, as defined by Alice, make them seem quite delightful and worthy of emulation. I particularly enjoyed her entry of radishes in the uppity flower show so she could swoon and squeal like Miss Wales when she won. I also appreciated her acknowledgment of the fine job Worzel is doing with Godfrey’s story. Amen.

  2. Thanks Janet, there is a heart of good in Alice, but only for her brother, I find her a character who makes me laugh, and also very sad. Glad you enjoyed the radish scene..one day I will do that.

  3. Hold on – the title says “from Worzel,” and the final words are “from Alice.” It couldn’t be, could it? Have you been Alice this whole time? You always said you wished to be a curmudgeon; was Alice your way of living out this fantasy? Was any of this real?

    Wowee, look at all those question marks.

  4. Dear Micah, I did once give goldfish for a wedding present as a joke, which back-fired as the couple were delighted. I wish to emulate Alice, but keep getting into trouble at work, humorless types…Worzel merely made Alice’s letter acceptable to the blog reading whirled. Sorry for any bewilderland..look forward to your next post, in odd, Worzel

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