It was with some trepidation, I happened to mention this to Beatrice- that I so wished to meet up with Godfrey’s sister Alice.
“Feh, Beatrice snuffed, she shows up or writes every year or two, here is a letter, her most recent one.
Dour Beatrice, “I wish to be a curmudgeon”, from Alice. Beatrice, as well you under stand, I am proudly the town scold of Skibbereen, I chat with the statues down on the town green. Have surrendered my front teeth to the Museum of Poly-dent, wear wooly hats in summer and bright colors that clash with abandon, for I wish to be a curmudgeon.
At the local Flower show, a posh and staid event, there was muttering over the bouquets of radishes I entered to be judged. “I wished to swoon and squeal when I won like Miss Wales, and cry as befits an old curmudgeon.
I refuse to shop, wear a sweatshirt from 1983. I do not sew or knit or bake, I watch only rubbish on T.V. As it is curmugeonly I keep many cats, I frighten children but in secret I am fond of the cheeky little brats.
“I wish to be known as a curmudgeon, thus left alone, do not ring me on the phone, I will claim to be a chap named Kevin, I will talk until you are blue, refuse to hang up, and ring back every evening past eleven.
When others put their trash bins on the curb I bring mine in, do not ask or knock on my door, for I am a curmudgeon. I go to funerals for the food, disrupt films with loud slurping or a hearty guffaw, I oft cavort up the street without underthings or bra.
As wedding gifts I gave goldfish or an onion, for I wish the world to know I am a curmudgeon.
My goodness, said I after reading the letters first page. Alice always was “different” Beatrice sighed, her pranks grew more frequent as she sped through middle age till legendary”. Her writing style mirrored Godfrey”s making use of every inch of the flour bag she used as stationary, composed as it were over many days and captioned chapter style, yet backwards eight to one. You may gather, wrote Alice, from my letter that I wish to be a curmudgeon.
You write of my brother, and I have to say you do, a fine job of his story, a fine job of keeping him always beside you. I am being nice, so please if you can, do not share this fact with anyone, for I wish to be an old curmudgeon, From Alice.