HOW TO RUIN EVERYTHING- Bye ALICE- as told to Beatrice

Twas mid day..clank of gate, she did not bother shutting behind her, goats bolt at sight of her great, black car, chickens scatter, horses and donkeys watch, askance from afar. Turkey and  young, under-wing safe in the tree, for Alice, Godfrey’s sister Alice, has come to visit me.

A notorious, lifelong prankster- “Bring cake, I now own a fish-shop, hooray for me, here is some of my poetry”, all this said in partial pause for breath before reaching the door, (removed for summer), of my Sonsie Farm, old puce house. “hooray for me, I need to wee, where is the loo?” I pointed out the roof of the dunny, that was down the garden path, in the deep grass.   Alice thrashed about down there and came back cheerful, pockets of her pinafore stuffed with tomatoes, ripe from the vine. “Coffee, and cake, no raisins,  read the poems yet?, they are mine”

TEA LEAVES- My life by ALICE-  The story of my life was written on a bitty box of tea-leaves.

Most of the contents already drank…I was seeking a quiet place to pull a prank. When I paused…Keep away from strong odors- And indirect light- measure with care- never steep too long- Unpleasant if stewed- no need to stir . – Naturally  sweet- Full bodied- rich with exotic smoky allure- keep away from children. The story of my life, on a bitty box of tea-leaves…From Alice.

HOW TO RUIN EVERYTHING- By ALICE- When we were young, I cut my brother Godfrey’s unkept  hair. Bald on top he was, bowl cut as a monk’s tonsure. He was sent home from school with a note for our Ma from a teacher fearing Mange, and questioning why one half of his scalp was painted blue, his eyebrows shaved. I found it years later, in a drawer full of Godfrey’s rubbish notes from teachers Ma saved. Found the list of advice I wrote him before he left, at 15 for his first date, with Clementine, the fish  monger’s daughter from Peru, advice lost to Godfrey I now share with you.

HOW TO RUIN EVERYTHING- Impress her with garlic oil in your greasy pompadour, ask if she’d care to feel your lip hair. Peeling raw onion in the car, will get you far when dating- talk incessantly of how you loathe beets, she will find it fascinating.  How to ruin everything?- sing- I have done this often, in public, miles off key, sing neath her window late at night, a shmaltzy old tune, sing Godfrey. Tell her of the wedding of our Auntie Mavis Sue, when I ate all those Petit-Four cakes and the bride stepped in sick down the hall, how everyone blamed it on you.  Use those words of yours like “Nabivagant”‘ to describe how she walks, and Sauce on Sticky Toffee Pudding , is how her accent flows when she talks. For a romantic dinner, chose the chip van by the castle, the one with no tables, where you sit on damp, cold rocks. How to ruin everything, by Alice…oh yes, there is more, she assured me, volumes nine to two, sage advice Godfrey took to heart, and applied  to his Daring Clementine, true romance with the fish lady spawned from the start. With Clementine to thank, I learned to work harder on “The Classic, How to Ruin Everything Prank.”

RHUBARBATIVE-   Alice rummaged in my Fridge-Adaire for bread and an onion, for to make herself a nice tomato sandwich. “Alice smells all food and drink before slurping, because my sister is Rhubarbative”, long ago when we were teenagers, quoth Godfrey. “An aloof girl, formed of thorn, hears only in music, Rhubarbative apparently when born”. “She is that last, stubborn leaf in autumn on the bare tree, that clump mid-lawn that refuses to be mown .”My sister, Alice has all the couth, of two hyenas with a bone”.   “Indeed, Alice chewed on her sandwich, I will leave you this box of nonsense to read, and of course get in the last verse- “If your goal in life is to guard your heart, from all who may come near” “Laugh as you live- chose life fully Rhubarbative my dear, many, many things could be worse” Thank you from Alice.


8 thoughts on “HOW TO RUIN EVERYTHING- Bye ALICE- as told to Beatrice

  1. Godfrey’s sister seems to have been a bit much. I have a big sister whom I wish you to meet. She is on my earlier blog. I tried to invite you to it (because it is locked) but WordPress didn’t recognise your name that I copied from the top of your page.

  2. Hey, thanks John, this was Alice at her most mild. She is based on myself, who wishes I’d been nicer to my sister, who died of a blood clot. I will see why W.P. is being balky, cheers..

  3. Rhubarbative, another useful word. Though it was new to me, I guessed what it meant. this is one I’ll use for sure, several deserve it. My laugh aloud line: “My sister, Alice has all the couth, of two hyenas with a bone”. I sometimes think the sentence could describe me as well. Interesting information in your response to suchled, Sheila. So many of us live with regret over how we treated someone. I think it’s a common human condition, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about some of my past behavior. I hope you handle it better.

  4. Thanks Janet, Mr Sucheld, John is brilliant, a retired teacher to. My sister and I shared a pony, I was being selfish, at 11, she was 10, dared her to ride a calf, she was thrown into a post, then manure which cushioned the landing, somewhat. We were not allowed to whine, she peed blood for a week in agony. Years later, trying for a family, tests revealed a kidney had been severed. She did go on to have a son and daughter, but was never really well. Survivors guilt- nasty un. Rhubarbative- indeed. Oh, happy Tuesday.

  5. I, too have survivors guilt. I think most of us do. It seems to be part of the human condition. I did have a happy Tuesday and am currently having an even happier Sunday. Our weather is so perfect today that I can’t be grumpy.

  6. Thanks Janet- been off the grid a few days, camping with a rather “Bickersome” pair, but I eschewed tent for the dirt, under moon and stars, edge of a forest, overlooking an estuary. I have now seen bats, many bats, swooping above. Be back in blog-whirled soon.

  7. That Alice !! What a character, using words on a tea box to describe herself. Reading about Godfrey’s goodness and appreciation of nature, and acceptance of quirky human behavior, makes me doubt you’re as “unaware” as Alice.
    I also wish I could have a few “do-overs” in my life.

  8. Thanks Mercy- Alice simply refused to accept the world that she, Alice, was forced to live in. All is forgiven, I believe on the other side- my sister can chuck me off a calf into a post as my “Do Over”, and it will not hurt. I loved the Tea Box Biography- keep it on my desk.

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