THE PATHWAYS OF ALICE- from Alice and Worzel

Godfrey’s mildly eccentric sister, Alice, had “aquired” an ancient typewriter, delighted, despite the fact it was locked on capitals, and missing the letters “Q”, and “D”, Alice was only inspired to write more. The rubbish she churned out, and sent me to be included in “The Collected Wisdom of Godfrey”!….neatly addressed, empty envelopes, candy wrappers, the contents of her waste paper basket. Oddly, though there were times, as I sorted “The Classical works of Alice in Couplet and Prose”, she showed me the good hidden deep in the beets of her heart, very deep in the heart of Alice. 

PUNISH ME WITH HERRING-from Alice-Punish me with herring, sit me at a wobbly table, fill my bath with things gelatinous, turn the lights out, lock the door. Place me on a school bus full of teenage girls singing. Just don’t tell me that you love me anymore.

Punish me with herring, ban me from guffaws and pranking, tell me I must wee now in the hedge over the street.Replace the greasy chips on which I gorge myself with celery, but oh, never say aloud that you love me. Punish me with herring, put the fish oil in my tea, but oh never let on that you love me.

NEBUCHADNEZZAR- From Alice- I pulled my small brother, by the shirt collar, down the church basement steps to Sunday School. “Do not embarass me, do not scream or holler, do not grizzle over beets or wet yourself, hang up your hat and coat, or risk being smote”.

Godfrey was happy, promised tea and cream cake after, sat stoic through scary stories, of harlots and lions, he was only four. Happy up until teacher, beak like a parrot, yelled out Nebuchadnezzar, for some reason the name made Godfrey bolt in terror….

Perhaps as it had no Welsh translation…I tried to catch him, but all I grabbed was kilt, as full tilt Godfrey fled. Screaming, good shoes clatting down the hallway, out the doors, past the Renshaw twins who were digging a hole, for someone newly gotten dead.

The Renshaw twins downed shovels, and joined in the chase, although they were well past sixty. Our nasty Uncle Lou guffawed by the font, he was always very mean with beets to Godfrey. Ma cuffed me oer the head with her purse, like it was my fault for Godfrey’s terror. He was found on a tractor, Swansea bound miles away, all because of Nebuchadnezzar…

THE HAUNTED THUMB- From Alice –I formed a thumb in art class, paper mache’, painted it in shades of leprosy, gangrene and grey. Teacher made it clear, she was not proud of me. But the haunted thumb served useful purpose, the brief time it lived, tormenting little Godfrey.

It emerged from his dinner, Haggis and Tatties, from my fish and Chips wrapper when he thought I’d not notice he had pinched more than his share. The haunted thumb was moonlit night, placed on his window sill with care. And tied to a fish line, chased him bawling to our Ma up the stair.

I knew our parents, despaired of never having a normal child after Godfrey, and Ma, when the thumb turned up on her knitting bag, disposed of it with a toss into the fire, sorry end to my profound, creativity.

TUESDAYS WITHOUT BRAD- From Alice- The shoe store echos, it’s lonely keening, it is Tuesday, oh where is my co-worker Brad?. Even the cob-webs hang lowly and sad. No fun in the dust I waft over display, no Brad’s great manly feet, to get in my way. No hard boiled eggs, to smell at midday.

We two share chips, all greasy and brown, and cold lemonade to rinse them down, and once at lunch, I lay in a planter box, pretending I had died. Elderly lady hat on the Marigolds, sensible shoes hanging over the side. Twas comfy, until I realized, no one passing wished attempt to revive me. Only Brad came running- chips falling, calling oh Alice- do not leave I will save thee!.

With “Kiss of Life”, courtesy of dear Brad, I emerged from the planter box, picking bits off my skirt so coy and shy. We oft played that prank on Tuesdays, with Brad in the plant soil, pretending to die. Without Brad, a more subdued Alice am I…

THE CHARMING BUILDERS- From Alice- A disgruntled customer hurled a clog, apparently it did not fit, through the front glass of the shop where I work, made a grand mess of it. I drew the short straw, waited for the builders, to come early morning and board up the crack. Oh, the foul language that I, Alice heard, while sitting alone in the back.

I learned many stories of how women behave in a place called “Nantucket”. Learned how to pull off an injury scam- “Drill a hole in yer effin hand, fall thirty feet to the ground when the boss aint the feck around”.  And Oscar, oh Oscar, you romantic you, had Deborah and her cousin at the company Bar-B-Que. And Nick, it seems, Deborah grilled his sausage to.

A dull, hours  quiet, seemed the lads brought the wrong screw, returned after lunch break , guffawing and cursing. Such charming chaps, the air was blue, fixing the window someone hurled a clog through.

GRAY WAS HIS PONY- From Alice-When summer wafts, as manure will, in the air, and in my memory journey there, I recall my dear brother Godfrey, and his pot-bellied, grubby gray pony.

He was dappled as if the creator of all things equine, threw white paint at a scudding storm cloud. Idly scratching his ass on stone wall or gate, every school day patiently wait, pony waited for boy, or joining Beatrice’s black mare, in mutual grooming and fly swishing share, deep in the orchards shade.

A ruggedy thing, of Welsh Mountain breed, diluted a tad somewhat, Grubby disliked me  and if given the chance, blew on my blouse pony snot. His  forelock resembled our rickety Uncle  Hamish’s moth eaten toupee’, and in faded gray kilt was hard to tell, at times Godfrey from Grubby Pony on a snowy day.

Greedy thing to, with skinny legs, big feet, and uncanny penchant for cheek. Ma fed him raw beet bits in my “Bunnykins” bowl, I’d eaten from no other dish, since I learned to chew. She set the bowl down, Grubby stepped in it, the bowl given to me by Granny Dypew- crushed it was, beyond help or glue.

Godfrey’s brief life was spent in search of higher wisdom…I chose to pursue lesser wisdom, the daft and inane- this is my story- Alice be thy name.

GIVE ME A NUDGE- From Alice- Give me a Nudge, back onto the pathway when I stray into serious thought. Lest a day go by I do not recall Godfrey, my odd lost brother and the wisdoms he sought. Give me a Nudge, a reminder that the toilet seat you plastic wrap, may be the one on in haste you doth squat.

Give me a Nudge, as a reminder that my Ma and step dad Arthur, are too old for the Ukelele Chorus loud at dawn, how I will miss the bickering, and warm knitted socks when the two are gone.

Give me a Nudge, for the extra oyster he pretends not to want from the Chippy. When he shows up for a date, wearing “Winkle Picker Shoes”, a cravat, and faded flowered vest, kept since Nudge Giggleswick was a young hippie.

Give me a Nudge, showing me around his job, all day he places stickers on pill bottles, that read- Do Not Take With Milk Or Alcohol. “Nudge is our best sticker putter ever”, boss lady Miss Gooley smiles proudly.  Give me a Nudge, lest I stray from my Alice path, and under no circumstance- ever say aloud you love me.

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6 thoughts on “THE PATHWAYS OF ALICE- from Alice and Worzel

    • I will let Alice know, I think she will accept love in bits, on a Monday. You are spot on with Oscar’s injury scam, not the sharpest tool in his box- cheers.

  1. Oh, Alice. Part of the reason I like her is that she gives me insight into the childhood of Godfrey that produced the man we all love. I think Punish Me with Herring is Alice’s prize winner, the one that might win her a Pulitzer. I copied it so I can reread it at will and laugh at the cleverness of Alice — and of Sheila!

    • Good evening Janet, always a delight when you drop by. Well, my home is a freezing, boarded up shambles, last night I got home, starving, bunged a pizza in the oven…shnegg, the power went out. Rather than gripe in the dark, I did what Godfrey would have, saw there was power in the hall, took my toaster oven out and cooked dinner on a milk crate. (Some charming builder buggered up the lecky”) Thought she will never say the words, Alice did know and love Godfrey best. I to, wish the Pulitzer for Punish me With Herring..thank you.

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